On Tuesday our school suffered a tragedy of a loss of one of our students by suicide. This occurred in our school with a gun. This is complicated on so many levels. As I think about writing in my tech blog this week it hardly seems appropriate to banter on about the latest in technology when there is a flood of emotions and heartbreak going on around and inside of me. Not to acknowledge what has happened, is impossible for me to do. Understand that there are many outside factors of why I can only talk about my feelings and not the event itself. I hope this explanation will give a little light of better understanding and the beginning of healing for me and slowly….for my school community. Every person that has dealt with, heard of, or was somehow involved has been impacted by last Tuesday. It is one of those life altering events, you will not forget. Like when you are asked, where were you on 9/11? You remember with vivid detail the moments and hours around that time.
I have been asked a lot, “How are you?” I take a deep breath, straighten my spine and then wonder, “Does this person really want to know? Are they just checking in to make sure I am not a train wreck inside? Are they just asking this to be polite? Do they want the short answer of - I am fine, thank you. Or the real answer which could take up to an hour to expound upon?” It is all such a complicated and involved wound up ball of yarn.
Here is the short honest answer. I am deeply saddened that this young man chose to do what he did. I cannot even fathom what his friends and family must be going through but my heart hurts when I even try to put myself in that place. I am worried about the safety of our school. The computer lab is the first door you can walk into as you enter the main entrance of the building. I am now afraid of what might happen if another violent interface occurs in our school and my colleagues and I could be the first point of contact. It is unnerving to know that this young man took his life just 20 feet from where I spend the bulk of my work life and his energy will forever be with us and remind us of what happened. I feel helpless when I look in the eyes of people I am close to who were there. When I look in their faces, I can see they have been changed forever by this incident. I feel helpless. It is hard to know what to say. It is hard to know what to do. So we hug, we send a note, we stand by each other. We try to work, we get distracted, we cry for no reason. I have been moving my body a lot, praying and meditating. I am so grateful that I was at another school that morning. I have the tools of yoga, meditation and prayer to help get me and others around me through this and give me strength. Today I will put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to walk into school each day and do what I do but like my coworkers, we are all changed forever.
